It’ll get better soon
You’ve heard it before, “It’ll get better, slowly”. When you deal with grief for the first time, the three things you will hear a lot are: “I’m sorry”, “It’ll get better”, and “there is no right way to grieve”. But nobody ever tells you when they felt they were done grieving or gives you a timeline for what to expect. I’m here to tell you that for me, it took seven years. And that there is a wrong way to grieve. So, if you’re going through grief for the first time, please don’t do what I did.
My mom passed, almost seven years ago, from cancer that was detected far too late. There wasn’t much that could be done anymore, and within eight weeks of her realizing she was sick, she passed away. I was 19 years old at the time, and in high school, just about two months before my final exams. In one of the last talks we had, Ellen (my mom) told me how important it was to her that I graduate high school, and that I go to university, which I had been working so hard towards in the last two years. She was my rock, really. I told her everything, entrusted my deepest secrets to her, and she watched and supported me, even when I was going through the roughest times.
Right after her passing, I had to study for my final exams. I remember feeling numb, and really not too much else from this time, but I graduated with good grades, and enrolled in the first university close-by home to study Chemistry. I don’t really know why I chose this major in the end, but the strongest motivators I remember having was that it seemed ‘smart’, which I knew my mom would have liked, and that it was close to my home, and most importantly, allowed me to get student loans, which I needed to pay for my apartment, as my mom used to pay for my little studio, but I couldn’t afford it without her help.
From the three and a half years that I studied Chemistry, I too, remember very little. Least of all, I remember processing grief. I know that at this time, right after she passed, I already only thought about her once roughly every 1.5 months. Every time I did, I would cry like a baby and feel powerless, and I hated that feeling more than anything in the world, so I tried to not feel it at all. I stopped watching sad or angry movies, listening to sad songs, playing games that affected me emotionally (which I always used to love) and spent my days and nights apart from school ignoring my girlfriend, and playing games with my online friends, which perfectly helped numb my almost every feeling. I started to lose who I was, my hobbies, my passion, how I loved, everything started to become number.
Reading back my journal from then, I said things like “I hope I can come to terms with it a bit today” just a week after she passed. Only when I had an anxious breakdown on the way to my first ever summer job did I realize that maybe it wasn’t going as well with me as I thought. I went to a therapist, who told me that I had not spent a minute grieving, and that that was giving me major anxiety issues. The therapy helped, but it was still very hard. For the first time, here, I tried to think about her, which hurt every single time. I forced myself to start doing the things I actually loved again, to watch sad movies, to cry when I felt like I needed to cry, and for the first time it seemed like I was getting better. My first real relationship ended, and I quickly started another one.
I switched schools. I stopped doing Chemistry, because I realized I never cared for it at all. The theory was interesting, sure, but I definitely did not want to do it for the rest of my life. I decided to study software engineering, because I always had a passion for computers, and here I realized, that this was the way ahead for me. In the meantime, however, my relationship started to sour. I spent lots of time caring for my partner, who wasn’t doing very well, and almost no time ever caring for myself. I would buy her treats and chocolates, and would love to cook the most amazing meals, as long as she was also eating them. But never would I buy or do anything for myself. I wasn’t happy, and the relationship wasn’t working, but I told myself that I committed myself to my partner, and that I can’t just leave because it wasn’t working. I thought I had to keep working on it, harder and harder, and that it would get better eventually. From this time, too, I don’t remember a lot. My best friend, Mike, told me that he saw how big of a toll it had on me, and that I looked sad a lot of the time, but I always told him it was just temporary, and that it’ll be okay.
Then, almost exactly a year ago now, I left for Japan. I wanted to go there for so long, and finally I got the opportunity to do a 5 month stay abroad, studying in Tokyo. This was the best choice I ever made. For the first time in 6 years, I was alone, taking care of myself in a foreign country. I made new friends, I ate delicious foods, I spent whole days just wandering around, listening to music, watching the sights go by, and putting myself first. I also spent a lot of time calling my best friends, thinking, and being stupid, which helped me realize that my relationship wasn’t healthy, and broke up with my partner of three years.
Slowly but surely, I started to be able to see things in different ways. I still cried for my mom, and how lonely I felt sometimes, but I also started to feel this sense of immense pride. I knew she would be so insanely proud of me, to have gone across the world on my own and finally taking (a little) care of myself. Finally I was slowly starting to return to who I really was, the person I had lost, when she passed. I started to become more social again, I made international friends in my own country, and went to parties, started to comment on TikToks I really liked just because I wanted to share some happiness here and there. I even did stupid things intentionally, just to remember that my life wouldn’t end if I smoked a few cigarettes, had a couple of hangovers, or went some nights with almost zero sleep. I lost so much of the fear that I had, which controlled my every action some years before.
Being myself paid off. I met the most beautiful, creative, loving, amazing person, exactly through my stupid little TikTok comments. I met some amazing friends who I am sure I will keep seeing until the end, I created things that I am very proud of because I started being creative again, and I finally graduated university, after a seven year journey. One of the first days me and my girlfriend spent together, I cried harder than I ever had, because I realized how even more proud my mom would be for going back to who I am. For being myself.
If you don’t make the same mistakes I did, it will get better soon. So, here’s what not to do when you’re grieving:
Don’t not grieve. This is the only way that you can grieve ‘wrong’. Watch all the sad movies, cry, be angry, hate your life, just make sure to feel. The feeling of sadness and loss will always be with you, but in time, it can even be beautiful. I can feel happy when I cry for her now, because I know it means how much she meant to me. I can cry and still enjoy my day, without feeling an immense sense of dread and loss. Those feelings do go away, I promise.
Don’t avoid therapy. It might not work for everyone, but having someone to talk to while you’re grieving who understands what the process is like, feels like a lifeline. Almost no-one will understand exactly how you feel (and they can’t!) but some will understand it much better than others, and can guide you through the process.
Don’t try to rush the process. Your life is still your own, and you’ll see that everything keeps moving, even when you’re sad. You don’t need to be done grieving tomorrow, even though I know how much you never want to grieve again. Give it time and space.
Don’t sacrifice yourself to try and get your happiness from others. You need to be your own priority in life, take care of yourself, treat yourself, and enjoy yourself. Find things you love doing, and never stop doing them.
And most of all, remember that they love you, and that they want to see you being yourself, being happy, making new connections, and living your life. Even if it is hard.